\u201cAnd you\u2019ve gained quite a bit of weight\u201d the NP said as she looked over medical records forwarded by Ilene\u2019s GP.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cYes and I just can\u2019t seem to get the weight down.\u00a0 Menopause did a number on my metabolism\u201d\u00a0 Ilene went on.\u00a0 \u201cPlus there\u2019s some problems with my skin, acne. Can you believe it? At my age–is there no justice?\u201d\u00a0 Ilene added.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
An examination was performed followed by an ultra-sound and Jared was discovered, a full term, albeit tiny baby boy nestled in Ilene\u2019s womb. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
The color drained from Ilene\u2019s face and she promptly fainted. Her husband was called in.\u00a0 When he got the call to come to the doctor\u2019s office–immediately,\u00a0 he\u2019d just waken from his midday nap.\u00a0 When he arrived he was disheveled and then dumb-founded with the news.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cHere we go again,\u201d Ilene said as she looked at Rob.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cBut how?\u201d Rob asked.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cHow indeed?\u201d said Ilene?\u00a0 \u201cI haven\u2019t had sex in, well not\u00a0proper\u00a0<\/em>sex, in three or four years. And then there\u2019s your vasectomy, what, twenty years ago?\u201d she added.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Ilene looked at the NP.\u00a0 \u201cI want a DNA test, right now!\u00a0\u00a0 How this little bugger got inside me, is some kind of–of, oh, I don\u2019t know–immaculate conception or something.”<\/p>\n\n\n\n And so it was that a DNA test was performed that irrefutably confirmed Rob as the father and of course, Ilene the mother. There were no apparent health issues with the baby. Jared was born two weeks after the visit to the doctor.\u00a0 Ilene had given up her bi-weekly glass of wine and stopped eating fish and drinking coffee. For those two weeks she started and ended a regiment of vitamins.\u00a0<\/p>\n\n\n\n Ilene insisted on an epidural for the birth.\u00a0 She\u2019d done the natural childbirth thing twice before. \u201cI\u2019m just too old for this,\u201d she said.\u00a0 \u201cI don\u2019t know if I can manage it. And if this goes on a fraction too long, I want a C-section.\u00a0 So just be prepared,\u201d she told the doctor and nurse.<\/p>\n\n\n\n When asked if she wanted to birth at home <\/em>she said, \u201cHell no! And I don\u2019t need a special birthing room or pre-birthing parlor with flowered curtains and overstuffed chairs. A sterile room with the proper equipment, plenty of drugs and the doctor and nurse in the room is all that\u2019s necessary.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n When asked if she wanted breast feeding classes and birthing classes she said, \u201cGod, no! This baby will be suckling from a bottle. I can\u2019t think of anything more disgusting that this poor little child having to nurse these breast of mine. And I\u2019m not about to go to birthing class with a room full of soon-to-be-mothers only a few years older than my own granddaughter. What a freak show I\u2019d be \u2013 I am!\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n Rob was asked if he wanted coaching lessons<\/em> for the birth to which he turned pale and broke out in a sweat. Ilene spoke up, \u201cRob will not be present at the birth. I don\u2019t want him having a heart attack or at the very least fainting away and striking his head and dying on me. I am going to need some extraordinary help and plenty of it to raise this baby.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n And so Jared was born, swaddled and taken home to Ilene and Rob\u2019s retirement condo. In the corner of their bedroom, they\u2019d set up a nursery of sorts consisting of a pack-and-play bed, a changing table and a basket of diapers, one piece sleepers, lotions and wipes.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Somehow the media learned about the birth and parked in the lot of the condominiums. The other condo owners were furious to have their \u201cpeace and quietude\u201d disturbed by a potentially crying baby and media hoards. A delegation from the condo\u00a0master\u00a0association called on Ilene and Rob on the first day home from the hospital. Rob opened the door to find the condo\u00a0master\u00a0association president, vice-president and architectural review chairman standing there.\u00a0 The president handed Rob a letter of complaint\u00a0in anticipation<\/em>\u00a0of the noise of a child on the premises.\u00a0\u00a0<\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cI have enclosed a copy of the Condominium Covenants that clearly states that\u00a0The Plantation<\/em>\u00a0was designed for senior residents in mind,\u201d he said still holding the envelop out for Rob.\u00a0<\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cThe Association\u2019s lawyer has been contacted and will be in touch with you shortly.\u00a0 He will enumerate any and all violations that you, your wife and baby\u201d he fairly spit out the words \u201care\u00a0in breach<\/strong>\u00a0of, as well as, any potential future breaches\u201d.\u00a0<\/p>\n\n\n\n Rob, somewhat hard of hearing, blankly looked at the three gray and white haired people standing in his doorway. Rob knew trouble when he saw it, so he did not accept the envelope and slowly shut the door without speaking a word. <\/p>\n\n\n\n Ilene standing in the hallway, holding little Jared said \u201cGood job, Rob!\u00a0 They can just go fuck themselves!\u201d She looked down at Jared \u201cOh my!\u00a0 I guess I can\u2019t say things like that now.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cBut the nerve–what a bunch of cold-hearted, narcissistic asses.” She shifty Jared in her arms. “I mean fuddy duddies.\u201d <\/p>\n\n\n\n Rob came over and pulled back the corner of the blanket revealing some of Jared\u2019s blond curls. \u201cHe\u2019s a sweet little thing, Ilene\u201d.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Ilene smiled at the bundle in her arms and then at up at Rob. \u201cI know,\u201d she said.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Glenda Kotchish \u00a9 August 2019<\/p>\n\n\n\n Jared was a late bloomer. He grew very slowly–extremely slow.\u00a0 When he was born, he was a complete surprise to Ilene, his sixty-four year old mother as his gestation had taken twenty years. Ilene made an appointment with an OB-GYN. She was feeling crampy and bloated –among other things. \u201cYour estrogen levels are really high,\u201d […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"parent":0,"menu_order":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","template":"","meta":{"footnotes":""},"class_list":["post-621","page","type-page","status-publish","hentry"],"jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"_links":{"self":[{"href":"http:\/\/glendakotchish.com\/dir\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/pages\/621","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"http:\/\/glendakotchish.com\/dir\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/pages"}],"about":[{"href":"http:\/\/glendakotchish.com\/dir\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/page"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/glendakotchish.com\/dir\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/glendakotchish.com\/dir\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=621"}],"version-history":[{"count":3,"href":"http:\/\/glendakotchish.com\/dir\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/pages\/621\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":626,"href":"http:\/\/glendakotchish.com\/dir\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/pages\/621\/revisions\/626"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"http:\/\/glendakotchish.com\/dir\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=621"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}![\"\"\/](\"https:\/\/ssl.gstatic.com\/ui\/v1\/icons\/mail\/images\/cleardot.gif\")
<\/figure>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"